Fast forward ten years. I now have teens. One is a strong-willed 18 year old. Although I still strive to be the very best and do everything right, I'm continually defeated and come up short. Why don't they believe all the things I taught them? Why do they make choices that leave me in a tailspin of insecurity and depression? Some days I want to throw in the towel and head to a faraway land. I certainly don't want to talk to those moms of perfect teens who inevitably assume my bad parenting is to blame for my children's choices.
But in the midst of the turmoil, something beautiful and exciting has happened. I've begun to commune with God. I'm learning what it's like to trust in God and not in my own understanding. And yet, as I give up my struggles to Him, I begin to believe He won't fix it they way I want and I take all that fear back again and wrap it around me like a security blanket. But like a slow-learner, I again realize I can't do it by myself. Only He can. I give it back to Him again.
I'm coming to realize bad things might happen. My children may know hurt and hardship for a very long time. But I also know that He is listening to my near-constant prayers and I can trust Him because His answers are perfect. I must also trust in His perfect timing.
I believe we are driven into corners to realize how necessary God is. We suffer in all kinds of ways and God will use the suffering to bring us to Him. Prayer is my new way of life. And the Bible has become my sword as I bring up it's promises over and over in time of need. Through my mothering struggles, God has become my only hope. I've fallen in love with Him in a way that wouldn't have become possible if all had remained perfect.
Do you have struggles and fears? He's calling out to you to put it all on Him. He can handle it. Nothing is hopeless because Jesus lives. He wants your total dependence. I can no longer function any other way.
"Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
I didn't shed a tear at my son's high school graduation. He had caused so much turmoil in our family and I was ready to see him go...far, far away. I had the exact same feelings that you're going through now. I think I cried most of his last two years of high school. Not because I would miss him when he left, but because, like you, I thought I had done a good job - when in reality it seemed I had failed. Or so I thought. He has come full circle (well, almost). Through the grace of God and maturity, we survived - with battle scars, but we survived. It's hard to need God so desperately. I mean, we don't really want to need him so desperately. We want this journey to be easier. But, that's not the way it works most of the time. Thankful for the peace of God.
ReplyDeletethanks, Suzanne. I"m really talking about one child, not both. ;) I hope I lean on Him this much when the times are good too. We don't want our children to have battle scars, but they will. God has a purpose for the scars, I think.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Beth. I have had a rough two weeks dealing with my older son and my know it all college aged son. It's nice to know someone out there is dealing with some of the same issues.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, not sure who you are, but glad you enjoyed. We all need to help each other muddle through those teen years.
ReplyDeleteBeth~Looking back over the years, there is one thing that is constant in all of my struggles--GOD! It is in the valleys that I have been closest to Him. It's amazing how we are drawn to Him during these times--the way HE DRAWS US--if we do, in fact, call upon Him rather than trying to trudge through the valley alone. I am so thankful for the valleys in my life. Although those times were tough (heart-wrenching), there are some days I'd go back just to feel His presence, that closeness that I don't always feel when "life is good". Maybe he blessed you with a "tough teen" so that you would find your strength in Him. Continue to look up when you are down! His plan IS perfect...so intricate and so amazing!
ReplyDeleteI love the sentence "that perhaps he blessed you with a "tough teen" so that you could find strength in Him". That's really an eye opener.I think God DOES present us with issues so that we may seek Him.
DeleteAwesome. I've never considered that having a "tough teen" would be a blessing. But I believe you are exactly right. So thankful for His perfect plan.
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