Confessions of a Former Christian Athiest

     Not long ago, I was focused on "stuff".  I wanted my house to resemble Pottery Barn and my kids to have the latest fashions.  I constantly sought out new ideas for making as much money as possible to buy myself more stuff. 

     Not long ago, I was focused on politics.  I read editorials, books and listened to the news constantly.  I worried about where the world was headed and stayed angry at politicians bent on taking away our liberties.  I wasted many precious hours stewing over how evil and bad our nation's leaders were becoming.  Being mad was a constant state of being.

     Not long ago, I was focused on "fixing" all the problems that would arise in my life.  I felt as if I could handle every problem with the right method or the right self-help book.  When the problem wasn't fixed, I'd feel insecure about my parenting skills or inadequate as a person.

     Not long ago, I thoroughly enjoyed talking about people.  Gossip was my middle name and gossip sessions with the gals were my game.  By talking about the faults of others, I felt better about myself in the short term.

     So am I saying all this to say I'm perfect now and don't do any of these things anymore?  Are you kidding?  Daily... no hourly, I sin.  There could not be a more imperfect person than me.  I'm saying this to explain the change in my worldview.  I started thinking about the claims I was making for myself.  I considered myself a Christian.  And yet, I was living as if He didn't exist.  I was a Christian athiest.  If I truly believed and relied on Him, I wouldn't fret about the future, worldly problems or amassing stuff.

     But I did believe and realized that belief had to change the very core of my being.  Did He not command the galaxies and speak every cell in my body into existence?  Did He not give us the simple commands to love Him, love our neighbor as ourselves and to use our gifts to further His kingdom?  Did He not tell us that this life will pass away and only what's done for Him will last?

     The God of the Universe doesn't deserve our leftovers.  Author and pastor, Frances Chan said, "our greatest fear as an individual should not be of failure, but of succeeding in life at things that don't really matter."   My worries, fears and sins have been about this world and my obsession with it.  But guess what?  Those things really just don't matter so much.  I personally know people who have suffered more loss and pain than any human should ever go through.  But I fully believe that in their suffering, He showed His power.  God knows their suffering is only for a time.  Great will be the rewards of those who love Him. Nothing in this life will ever matter unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made.  

     Since "getting it", my life has changed significantly.  During a heated political debate, I sometimes just leave the room.  God is in control and He doesn't want us to live in fear.  I simply don't care much anymore.   I've read the back of the book and I'm pretty sure He wins in the end.  I still like pretty things, but amassing them and having more or better than others holds no appeal.  Pursuing pleasure is not why we were created.  Putting God right there in the front and center of your life starts to change you from within.  The Bible can become more interesting than the latest bestseller.  Hearing about God is better than any movie. 

     Living eternally can allow us to let go of our worries and  God will forgive us of our lukewarmness.  The gospel brings joy, not just from the fact that we are forgiven but also in knowing that our imperfect obedience in this life is covered by the blood of Jesus.  Don't live for the worries and pleasures of this life.  They are fleeting.  I pray I use my earthly time to love God, love and serve others and to share the gospel.  Eternity is forever.


*the video above is Francis Chan speaking about a chapter in his book, "Crazy Love".  It happened to go along well with the points I was trying to make.