I am a sinner saved by grace. The whole concept never ceases to amaze me. And I've been called to present the simple gospel message to you. Just so you know, I'm probably the least qualified person ever. I can't even speak without getting tongue-tied most of the time. But God has shown me in His word and in His gentle nudging that I must share the greatest message ever told to all that will listen. If I can't speak it properly...I pray that I can use the written word and that it will be effective. As Paul said in the book of Ephesians, "so here I am, preaching and writing about things that are way over my head, the inexhaustible riches and generosity of Christ. This is my life's work...helping people understand and respond to this message. It came as a sheer gift to me, a real surprise, God handling all the details."
My testimony is not one of heartache and suffering and any reference to my former church is not intended to bash or criticize. I consider all of my experiences blessings and now understand that God used each and every detail to give me a unique ministry to help further His kingdom.
I had an ideal childhood. My parents were like June and Ward Cleaver, only better. My sister looked like Marsha Brady but was kind and sweet, to boot. Blessings abounded. I grew up in a denomination known for their holiness standards and their unique interpretation of how scripture tells us to be saved. Church was fun and never boring and many precious people loved and cared for me there. My childhood and teenage years were filled with top-notch Christian music, fiery preaching and warm fellowship. I've yet to encounter any other denomination that quite compares. I'm grateful for those precious years and especially grateful for a Godly mother who showed me who Jesus was through her words and actions.
Regrettably, there were several things required to become a Christian in my denomination. I was able to fill all of those requirements except one. It was necessary to speak in tongues as proof that the Holy Spirit was truly dwelling in you. Without the evidence of tongues, you were not saved. My, how I tried to speak in tongues! I begged and pleaded with God for years. I gave Him everything I had and repented of known and unknown sin. I gave up begging and just asked Him to fill me if it was His will. I remember how I dreaded the first service of the morning at church camp. The preacher would ask those who still didn't have the Holy Ghost to stand up. I'd often be the only one standing and the only one not going to heaven. Not only was this humiliating...there was no way to escape hell for me and I became exceedingly fearful. Over the years, I finally learned to act as if I had spoken in tongues so that I could be left alone. But living a lie became harder and harder.
As you might expect, I went on to college and became quite bitter towards a God that wouldn't allow me in to heaven no matter how much I begged and pleaded. In fact, I couldn't even believe in such a vindictive God any longer. I'd also decided I was too intelligent to believe. I was learning that the world was over-populated and man was destroying our great planet earth. I discovered that Jesus was just one path to God and whatever your personal preference was quite alright. Why not just worship the sun or the moon if we wanted? Who was I to judge? Everything was relative. I declared myself a liberal and made it my mission not to stand in anyones way of what they believed to be right or wrong.
But God had other plans for my life that I was not aware of at the time. I eventually married and had kids and would ocassionally attend church services with them because it seemed the right thing to do. It was during this time that a young boy opened fire on a prayer group in a high school in my hometown. I'll never forget that fateful day. He killed three young girls and paralyzed another. It was immediately apparent to me that these girls died as martyrs for God. As if God was sending a message to me directly, I knew that these girls were in heaven even as I ached for their families and the family of the shooter. Although I had been attending church, I had been unable to understand the gospel message through all my confusion. I remember the Sunday after the tragedy and the preacher speaking of grace. Suddenly, it made perfect sense! The victims of this senseless tragedy were in the arms of the Father and they knew nothing of the doctrine that teaches we must speak in tongues before we can be saved. These girls were in heaven because they had placed their faith in God and not in their own righteousness. Nothing they could do by themselves and no list of rules could ever be checked off perfectly enough to please God. Our righteousness is as filthy rags to Him. But Jesus died on the cross and was resurrected. His blood paid the price for these girls and for me also. Until this time, the message of the cross was just a sad story and I'd cry at how Jesus suffered but the gospel message was lost on me. In an instant, the cross and His amazing grace became the central focus of my life. I picked up a Bible and began reading it as if for the first time. I'd been programmed to read scripture in light of my church's interpretation of how we were supposed to be saved but now scripture was crystal clear and the gospel message was revealed to me over and over. It was not difficult to understand or burdensome. I began to read a verse I knew by heart but had never really understood. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16 Could this verse actually mean what it said?
Jesus said, "He who believes in me will live, even though He dies." John 11:25 He tells us, " I have come into the world as a light so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." John 12:46 In the book of Romans, Paul tell us "since we've compiled this long and sorry record as sinners and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity, He put us in right standing with Himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we're in and restored us to where He always wanted us to be. And He did it by means of Jesus Christ."
It was at this time that I gave my life to God and knew that I had crossed over from death to life. I believed in Him and placed my faith in Him alone. His spirit was now within me and guiding my life. I remember a particular moment when I was very sick and looked out the window into the night as I was washing dishes. The moon had been transformed into a very large and beautiful cross. It seemed to be my own personal miracle. I wept aloud with thankfulness that He'd died on the cross and allowed me to understand and accept the simple message of grace. I could never be good enough, but He was good enough in my place.
Is this where my story ends? Not at all...because as a sinner saved by grace, I was going to mess up. I'm ashamed to admit that I hurt my friends, husband and even my own children over and over by my sinful actions. I kept doing things I knew were not appropriate for someone who claimed to follow Christ. But Jesus never let go of me and continually gives me the desire to change my sinful ways and to be more like Him. He gently nudges me to change. He also allows me to experience hard times to show me that I must rely completely on Him and not in myself or in this world.
It has recently dawned on me that our lives on this earth are but a drop of water and eternity is a vast ocean. When we die, it won't matter who we knew or what material possessions we've amassed. It won't even matter how nice we were. What will matter is what we've done for Christ. Did we share the message? Did we use our time on earth to help build His kingdom that will never end? God is offering a gift of eternal life to those who believe and trust in Him alone. My desire is that you will respond to His Message and accept His free gift. He desires that all will follow Him and wants no one to suffer in a place called hell. I can't rest until I've shared this message with everyone who crossses my path. I'm empowered by the Holy Spirit. As Peter and John said in the book of Acts, "As for us, there's no question-we can't keep quiet about what we've seen and heard." This gift of grace is for me and for you.
